We have this beast of a rug that sits under our kitchen table. It takes a ridiculous amount of abuse from three kids, being in the middle of the highest trafficked area of our house, the west sun that beats in on it from our patio windows, and all the crud that gets tracked in from the backyard, sandbox and garage. Really, it’s pretty amazing how this poor thing has not just rolled itself up and fled from the the horrible exploitation it has suffered.

Frankly, I can relate to how it must feel. Being a mom sometimes feels like being the poor, neglected, trod-upon kitchen rug. How many times haven’t I been peed/pooped/puked/spilled/ jumped upon, used as a human kleenex, and just generally abused? Sometimes when my kids threaten to call 911 on me because I’ve done something so horrid to them (like taken away their electronics or failed to provide dessert,) I tell them, “You know what? Go ahead. Getting hauled off to jail would be a joy compared to living here right now.”

Think about it. I wouldn’t have to cook for a bunch of ungrateful whiners (in fact meals would be prepared for me,) I wouldn’t have to share a toilet with boys who couldn’t hit the broadside of a barn with the wind at their backs, and there would be plenty of opportunities for naps and reading. I’ve lived with my own inmates long enough that I’ve become my own special brand of crazy, and I could take on any kind of violence and horrid behavior any fellow prisoner could throw at me. I could give the corrections officers lessons I bet…

Now wait. Where was I? (Sorry I drifted off into fantasy land there for a bit.) Oh yes. My poor neglected kitchen rug. So my friend Kevin and his brother Tim own Next Generation Oriental Rug Cleaning, and I follow their Facebook page. On it they post these addicting videos of them cleaning the rugs that are brought into their shop. I know. It sounds totally weird, but it is so oddly soothing and satisfying to watch. The swirling shampoo is mesmerizing. And then the rinsing! Oh, the rinsing! Seeing all the dirt and grime come pouring out of these rugs is about enough to make your toes curl in pure delight. Holy Hannah, it’s heaven! Then after the water runs clear, they put them into a fancy dancy rug centrifuge that spins out the rest of the water. Next comes the grooming and final drying. I swear the whole process is like watching a poor abused dog, covered in filth, fleas and matted gunk that has been rescued by the ASPCA get a bath, haircut and groomed. (Cue soulful Sarah McLachlan music.) Just like that… voila! A beautiful pup emerges, his tail wagging in joyful gratitude. I tell you. Watch these rug cleaning videos. This is how magic carpets are born, my dear reader. Swear to God.

I decided it was high time that our kitchen rug had the New Generation rug spa treatment. It was beyond hope that even the best Dyson money could buy or any attempts by me and my Bissell carpet shampooer could help. Kevin and Tim came out, rolled up the beast, took it to their shop and performed their magic. And they filmed it for me! So now I get to share the gloriousness with you!

Here’s Kevin shampooing the rug. Ahhhh….so soothing! Swirl, swirl, swirl…

Now here comes my favorite part: the rinsing! This is where it really gets cleaned. See all the brown sludge pouring out? That my friends, is years of kids not taking their shoes off at the door, a few gallons worth of spilled milk, ground-in petrified PlayDoh, forty pounds of sand from the sandbox, and a quart of dried tears that have been shed by my kids from being forced to eat their vegetables and other foods they’ve deemed inedible. (I wonder if I’m going to have to give Kevin and Tim hazard pay from seeing that horror show or all the filth clogging up their drain. I really hope they didn’t have to call Roto-Rooter.)

Check out the centrifuge. It spins at 1,000 RPM and wrings out nearly all of the water.

And there she is, in all her happy clean glory getting her final grooming to set the pile.

Check out these before and after pics too. They honestly don’t do it justice.

After watching all this mesmerizing cleaning, I think I’m going to bring my pillow and a blanket downstairs tonight and sleep on my clean, non-crunchy, mystery odor-free rug. It will probably be the cleanest thing in my house. Now I won’t be able to let my kids step foot on it, much less eat at the kitchen table. Guess they’ll be dining out on the deck or in the garage from now on.

Guess what, dear reader! If you live in northeastern Illinois, call Next Generation Oriental Rug Cleaning and mention My Pediatric Psych Ward to receive 10% off your rug cleaning! Thanks, Kevin and Tim!!!

Next Generation Oriental Rug Cleaning
847-313-0433
http://www.nextgenrugcleaning.com

I have some more oddly soothing things I’ll share with you in the next post. If you have any suggestions, please share in the comments! Stay tuned!