Good Lord. What are we on now, like day number infinity of shelter in place? One thing I’ve realized during all of this forced togetherness is that everything seems amplified for me. And not in a good way.

For instance, lately sounds have really been driving me crazy. The crinkle of wrappers about sends me into orbit. From nearly any room in the house I can hear the deafening sound:

[Crinkle Crinkle Rustle Crackle]

The hairs on my neck go up. They might as well have dragged a fork across a chalk board. “Who’s into the snacks for the 500th time today?!?”

[Sound of chip crumbs and an empty bag hitting the floor, followed by stinky boy feet hightailing it out of the kitchen.]

“Young Son?! First Born?! Get back here and clean up your mess!”

Dead silence in return. Then I mutter a bunch of martyr-ish things under my breath and huffily clean it up myself.

Another amplified annoyance that sends me into a rage is how my house has become about as tidy as a landfill. I mean it’s not like I need to have my house “company ready” any time soon, but still…

The other day I had just finished vacuuming the kitchen and decided I was going to be an overachiever and actually MOP the floors too. I left to get the mop out of the laundry room only to return to find Warrior Princess sitting at the counter eating shredded cheese out of the bag. My momentarily-swept floor was now covered in shards of cheese.

Me: “Amazonia! Come ON! I JUST VACUUMED! And you do realize that we have cheese in stick form, right?”

WP: “Nuh uh. The cheese sticks are gone.” More cheese falls from her mouth.

Me: “What??! I JUST bought some yesterday!” I yank open the fridge and pull out the deli drawer. “See?! Right heee….” as I hold up an empty cheese stick bag.

WP: “Yeah. You should probably add that to your grocery list.”

I give her one of my best searing Mom glares as I take the empty bag over to the trash can under the kitchen sink. There I find the counter covered in more random wrappers, a half dozen coffee mugs and water glasses the Warden must have cleaned out of his office, and another dozen half-full drink cups from the inmates. Well, at least they are near the empty dishwasher and trash can. How generously helpful of them.

The amount of food these inmates have gone through over these weeks has been staggering. I’ve been trying to limit my grocery shopping to about once per week to restock but it’s basically like trying to fill a bucket with water, but the bucket has a giant hole in the bottom.

I had someone tell me, “Oh, but I saw a great article that said you should make each kid a basket and put their snacks in it for the day. Then when they’re gone, they’re gone and they don’t get any more that day.”

And then I laughed hysterically in their face. Seriously? The inmates would take that as a challenge to see who could snarf their’s down the fastest followed by making the most inappropriate thing out of the basket, wrappers and crumbs. (Hmm…Maybe that could count as Maker Space homework or some sort of STEM activity…)

Actually that just gave me a good idea. I should be making stuff around the house more educational. For instance:

Science:
Lab experiments: How many days does it take a half-eaten sandwich to grow mold? Do conditions matter? (ex: in the dark under the bed? in the playroom? Crammed into a baggie and shoved in the back of the fridge?) What is your hypothesis? In which scenario does Mom yell the loudest when she finds it?

Math:
Elapsed time:
Mom asks you to clean your room at 9:00 AM. At 10:15 AM, she checks your room to find that you haven’t started. She reminds you again that you need to clean your room. Then another 1 hour and 50 minutes has elapsed. Is your room clean? (Answer: of course not!) Mom tells you AGAIN to clean your room. Another 30 minutes passes. Mom starts yelling. How much time has elapsed from the time Mom first asked you to clean your room until she gets out the garbage bag and starts throwing your toys away? Show your work.

Measurement:
Vacuum the kitchen floor and under the table. What is the total volume of dirt collected in the canister? What is the ratio of dust to food crumbs? What is weight of all the dried PlayDoh you vacuumed up? How many times did you have to empty the canister before you were finished? Now measure a 1:3 ratio of Mr. Clean to water into a bucket. Mop the floor.

Reading:
Find your favorite show on TV. Go under settings and turn on captions. Mute TV. Now watch your show.

Spanish:
Follow steps for reading assignment, but change caption settings to “Spanish” and complete assignment.

Writing:
Write a well thought out essay on why your parents are so mean. Provide supporting evidence. Give 3 solutions to the problem. Essay may be handwritten or typed and must be at least 500 words. Spelling, punctuation and capitalization count.

And there you go, fellow parents. Lemons to lemonade. There’s your lesson plan for the week. You’re welcome. Teachers: you may commence your well-deserved summer vacation. We’ve got this.