The other day I was at a school event, and I looked around at all the other moms. To pass time, I found myself categorizing them into various mom-types I imagined they’d fall into. Here is a by no-means comprehensive list of the various types I saw:
The KoolAid Mom:
This is the mom my children always wish they had. All the kids in the neighborhood love coming over to KoolAid Mom’s house to play. She’s always well stocked with snacks, beverages and popsicles. She’s usually got cookies baking in the oven (and salmonella be damned, you get to lick the beaters!) If it’s a rainy day, you can guarantee she’s got a drop cloth under the kitchen table and any variety of paints, PlayDoh, slime making materials, or fun science experiments laid out for the kids to go nuts with. After all, messes are a sign that memories are being made. If it’s hot outside, every sprinkler, water toy and kiddie pool is hauled out. If she’s extra Kool, she’ll whip out 250 water balloons and join in the frivolity. She’s the mom featured on pharmaceutical commercials after said drug has cured her of her moderate to severe psoriasis/depression/ulcerative colitis/insomnia or other ailment of the moment.
The June Cleaver:
This is the wife/baby mama my husband wishes he had. She has the children all bathed, fed and ready for bed before her tired, hardworking husband/baby daddy gets home. She’s taken that little extra effort to fix her hair and make-up and spritz a bit of perfume behind her ears before he arrives. Her clothes are fresh, clean and classic, and the house is tidied and company ready. There is not a heaping laundry basket or stray toy in sight. She greets her beloved at the door with a Manhattan and a kiss for him. She tells him to relax while she finishes his dinner, which is probably a perfectly prepared thick-cut pork chop with fresh green beans with toasted almonds, a risotto she whipped up and apple-cranberry compote. There is chocolate cream pie for dessert.
The Task Master:
Task Master runs a tight ship. Her kids are well scheduled, and everyone is where they need to be when they’re supposed to be. Homework is always completed, rooms are cleaned and chore charts bedazzled with stars to match that sparkling porcelain in the bathroom. There is military in her DNA, and clutter is not part of her vocabulary. Her kids are always well behaved because any sass will earn them another chore, buster. She takes over slacking committees on the PTO and whips them into shape. Teachers fear getting an email from her, because it usually means they’ve forgotten to assign enough homework or something.
The MLM Mama:
MLM (Multi-Level Marketing) Mama is a one motivated go-getter. She sashays into any event like a walking advertisement for her product decked out in perfect make-up and well-moisturized skin, sassy jewelry, and swingy dress with coordinating leggings. She’s got it going on. Some versions of her have a cloud of essential oils surrounding her and you get a whiff of patchouli and lavender (not to be confused with the scent of desperation for a new sale) every time she flips her glossy tresses. She always has a great basket of goodies to donate to any auction or teacher appreciation gift. She is a good person to know because she’s well connected and can multi-task like a pro. She is often related to…
The Involved-in-Everything Mommy:
This lady is always the first one signed up for any and all activities. Whether it be room mom, PTO, chaperone, party coordinator or supply donator. She is volunteering in her kids’ classes at least once a week and teachers worship her. Hot Mess moms are grateful for her, as she picks up their slack. When she was growing up, she was always first to be chosen to play Mary in the Christmas pageant, and those beatific traits have never left her. She is a born nurturer and helper of the down-trodden — thus why she’s always helping her kid’s teacher.
The Hot Mess:
The HM does not own clean…well…anything. Her clothes have a variety of foods and bodily fluids spilled on them. When she squeals into the parking lot at school for drop-off, an array of fast-food wrappers, Goldfish crackers and stray shoes blow out of her garbage can on wheels as the side door slides open before she even comes to a complete stop. She shoves her kids out the door while blowing kisses and yelling, “Make good choices!” after them, then roars off to the next thing she’s late for. Ooops! She slams on the brakes, throws it in park and goes chasing after her kids with their forgotten backpack, lunch, signed permission slip or band instrument. She may or may not be still in her PJs and slippers and her kids are probably wearing some combination of PJs, out-of-season clothing, rain boots (who knows where their shoes went) and miss-matched socks — because really. Who has time to match socks?
The Mean Mommy Monster:
This chick is done with putting up with bullshit from her children, or anyone for that matter. She has zero fucks left to give. You’ll see her in the store dragging her surly kids along, not even bothering to lower her voice to a whisper-yell when they step out of line. If her windows are left open at home, she yells so loudly that the neighbors pick-up their goddamned toys, brush their teeth and go to bed. Her kids may have owned electronics at one point in their lives, but they have lost privileges until they are 18. Her husband is beaten down and mutters under his breath a lot. (Involved-in-Everything Mom would like to adopt him.) Do not confuse other moms with her at back-to-school time, because aren’t we all Mean Mommy Monster by then? Cut us some slack fer crissake.
So next time you’re at a school event or waiting in line at Target, look around you. Which kind of moms do you see? Which kind of mom are you?? What about your mom or wife? Maybe you’re a Hot Mess and really want to be June Cleaver. Maybe that Mean Mommy Monster really wishes she could be KoolAid Mom, but for her it’s all just been too much and she’s tired.
You know what? It actually doesn’t matter at all. Because it takes all kinds of moms to make the world go ’round and keep things interesting. Somehow we crank out some pretty great kids in the meantime. (Whichever mom you are, just don’t be Mean Mommy Monster. She’s a bitch and nobody likes her. Seriously. She needs to chill already.)
Awesome Moms UNITE!
PS: (If you really want to mess with your friend, forward this to her and say, “Guess which one you totally are!!”)