It’s the 100th Day of School tomorrow, and my son has to create a T-shirt with 100 things on it. I’m sure many of you have struggled with my dilemma. There will be a parade through the school and everything. Pictures of all the smiling faces and creativity will be posted on the school’s Facebook page. Do I let my kid come up with something on his own (yes, this would be the proper parenting approach) or do I go completely gonzo and break Pinterest with my creativity?

Normally I would go the Pinterest route, because I’m “that” kind of mom….riddled with insecurity and anxiety that I would need to go over the top with something über creative to show how fantastic I think I am. Well, who the hell am I trying to impress? A bunch of 1st graders?!?!

No. Instead of coming up with something delightfully whimsical and Pinterest-worthy, I thought, “Wouldn’t it be f-ing awesome to make a completely INAPPROPRIATE shirt instead?” I mean maybe I’ve been sniffing too much hand sanitizer lately, but I took this idea and ran with it.

Behold!

Wouldn’t it be super fun to send your kid in a T-shirt covered with 100 CONDOMS? I wonder how many deep, cleansing breaths the principal would have to take before calling me if my kid showed up in this gem.

Or how about 100 TAMPONS! (I personally think the big old maxi pad over the boobs and the tampon fringe really classes it up, no?) This beauty is getting sent to my son’s teacher too. She’s amazing and I think she could use something a little scandalous at this point in the year. The poor woman has suffered through weeks of kids dropping like flies with the flu and other plagues. I’m guessing she’s getting a little paranoid, nervously awaiting the next Typhoid Mary to come hack and snot all over her. Plus she could adorn the teachers’ restroom with it and share the love with her fellow educators. Really. The gift that keeps on giving.

Many of you may ask, “What does your husband think of your bullshit?” Actually, instead of rolling his eyes and muttering profanities under his breath like I thought he would, he was pretty cool about it and found it amusing. Either that or he was mentally adding it to his list of reasons that I need to be committed — this one just might be the clincher.