I know I’m not alone when I say this: socks are the bane of my existence. Okay, maybe not my entire existence, but certainly when it comes to laundry. Why is it that I can put in 10 complete pairs of socks and only get 9 individual socks out…none of which match?! Where the hell do the others go?! I demand answers.

Is there some sort of sock eating parasite that eats them during each load? More likely I think washing machine manufacturers are colluding with sock companies and are installing some sort of secret sock disposal system so that we are forced to buy more socks. And then they try to sell us that Afresh stuff to get rid of the nasty mildew smell every month. No. That shit’s just to cover the stench of dead, undigested socks.

Another theory is that they are all going down the sewer, joining in the massive party of undissolved wipes, diapers, condoms, cooking grease, gangster corpses and piranhas. They’re a real thing — they’re called “fatbergs.” I bet if they dissected this putrid mass, they’d find enough socks to clothe half of China.

https://www.npr.org/sections/thetwo-way/2017/09/12/550465000/behold-the-fatberg-london-s-130-ton-rock-solid-sewer-blockage

And next time you’re having a crappy day at work or with your kids, be grateful this isn’t your day job to deal with…although some days it really may seem like it.

So I’ve been collecting a huge basket of stray socks in the ridiculous hope that I will one day find matches.

Matching socks makes me hostile on a regular basis. Every once in awhile I dump out my basket of hosiery hell and bribe my kids to try to find mates. They poke at the pile halfheartedly for a minute or two and then scurry away like cockroaches to avoid the drudgery. Not that I can blame them.

So after this weekend of holiday decorating (and we all know how that went) I decided to create my very own sanity saver …and better yet,  I don’t have to share with my kids. Voila! My one-of-a-kind “Mommy’s Bad-vent Calendar.”

It’s environmentally friendly, as I used a piece of wood one of my kids tried to go Karate Kid on. (It did not end well for neither kid nor board.) To make it a bit more festive, I up-cycled some of the crappy Christmas decorations that my kids have ruined just for a bit of flair and festivity.

And then the socks. Finally!! I have a use for these fuckers! The baby socks are the perfect size for mini liquors, kids socks can hold a beer perfectly and adult socks are just right for a bottle of wine (or full-on liquor if you’re having a particularly rough time.) You too can make a custom masterpiece like mine for yourself or your bestie.

I used a variety of booze on mine just to give you some ideas, but the sky’s the limit! If alcohol isn’t your thing, I bet you could up-cycle some holey undies to hold bags of chips, boxes of chocolates…really anything. Go wild!

So even though it looks like Christmas became violently ill in my house after my kids “decorated” this weekend, this sweet Badvent Calendar fits right in. Tacky? Sure. Ridiculous? Of course! Did I waste a stupid amount of time building this thing? Hell yes! But who the fuck cares?! Not this mama!! And since my dear husband left for a week in China today, I may or may not play a bit of “catch-up” tonight after the inmates are asleep!

Cheers!